Error in Book of Life causes millions to burn in Hell.

Apparently, a simple computer error in which some t’s were accidently left uncrossed and some l’s were accidently crossed, has led to the unexpected sentence of eternal damnation for millions of devoted religious persons. What makes it even worse is that “really bad people” were by the same token let into the “great place in the sky,” thwarting plans by God to create a Shangri-La.

The critical error had been realized by a nun who had a near-death experience and wound up meeting up with “The Devil.” Sister Watters was scared back to life when St. Peter denied her entry into heaven, condemning her for countless acts of media piracy and “leaving a heaping pile for others to clean up.” She recalls seeing “Crazy Bull” Sanders, an infamous serial killer in the 60’s B.C., taunting her from the other side of the pearly gates. Sister Walters confirmed her suspicion of an error when she saw “Crazy Butt” Sanders, a former professional wrestler turned evangelist, roasting on a spit in the fiery pit.

Family of the late Scoll Pelerson, a devoted churchgoer and volunteer, fear he is burning and/or rotting in Hell at this very moment, but have “faith” the error will be caught and corrected for retroactively with Sister Watters’ help. When asked for comment about whether she would try to tactfully bring this error up with “The Father,” she replied, “Sometimes Father knows best. This isn’t one of those times.” She was then immediately expired by a lightning bolt.