"Set it. And forget it!"

I went tanning last night at a tanning salon. I thought going to a salon meant I was going to come out feeling pampered and beautiful. Not quite. For four full minutes I stood buck naked. It seemed like an eternity in the little hexagonal torture chamber. I was confessing my greatest sins to a myriad of intense bulbs...I used to use women for free rides and food...I used to trade stock on insider tips...I used to use drugs recreationally because it was fun...I had sex with a mormon girl (and she wasn't even hot)--just to piss her off!!

I basically felt like I was on a Ron Popeil infomercial. You know, the one with the rotisserie chicken cooker? Only I wasn't in the audience. The audience was watching me!! Watching as Ron stuck me into one of his little ovens. I think if I go tanning again, I'll be on Ron's Food Dehydrator infomercial.