Eddie Haskel and White Guys

So Friday night some friends of mine and I went to a place called Bungalow Billiards. On the way out my friend made some dumb comment to a person driving an H3 about it not being a real car or something. My friend is big and loud. Anyway, some other guy in the parking lot starting yelling back about something. I believe I saw a Degeneration X hand sign (wrestling fans might know what this is) in our direction. Big, loud guy walks over there followed by my smaller fiesty friend. You know how it goes..."what did you say"...."punk"...."gotta a problem"....."yeah you".....you get the drift. Here's the best part...Degeneration X's friend comes over with a sweatshirt and pants falling down (you know the type) and says, "Shit, I'm the whitest guy here." This was funny because we're all the whitest guys in the world except this kid with pants around his ankles. I started laughing so hard that I know longer cared what happened. Smaller friend calls wanna-be a Kracker....I laugh more....Kracker calls my friend an Eddie Haskel looking MFer. I keep laughing and walk away from the dumbest exchange of words from men ever heard with possible exception given to this blog.

El nino is spanish for the nino.

Well, we come to the end of the first week of Grego's vacation. While he is down in Bolivia politely smiling at the locals because he doesn't speak their freeky-deeky dutch, life in the northern hemisphere goes on. It goes on in a somewhat toned down way but goes on. Let's face it, Grego can never be replaced. We can only make modifications to the one given to us, kinda like making lemonade when life gives you lemons. Oh and by the way, please pardon the lack of tildes in the title.

Today is Thursday

Today is Thursday. Today is a good day. Today is a good day because it is our Friday. Today is our Friday because we have tomorrow off. Fridays are good because they usually involve happy hours. Happy hours are good because they have cheap beer. Cheap beer is good because is helps you forget that weekly stress that is work. Weekly stress is good because...wait I guess that's as far as it goes. Moral of the story...everything in life boils down to cheap beer.

It's story time boys and girls!

Once upon a time there were two brave knights who set out on a quest. That quest was to conquer the evil empire called foreign trade. They knew this quest would not be easy but it was necessary. All was going well until one of the knights got a crazy idea. He decided that it would be fun and amusing to go to South America for three weeks leaving his counterpart all alone. The other knight, shocked by such news, continued without the other. It will be a long, perilous battle with the outcome yet to be determined. Perhaps, if this brave knight survives without the other, he will tell his tale of victory and honor.

Who knew it could be so quiet?

So it begins... The first day of Grego's 3 week vacation (lucky bastard). While he is in Bolivia drinking cerveza and eating "hamsters on spicks", we are here... at work... suffering in his quiet absence. Without the endless, mindless, random, and usually unwarranted talking, the day seems to drag by. Thank goodness we have Scrabble.

And in the Scrabble dictionary Adonis=Grego!

I need to leggo my greggo

Greggo is leaving on a jet plane, don't know when he'll be back again....Greggo assigned me some homework while he's away on his trip. 1) Keep on blogging and 2) Tape Lost. I don't expect to do either one. However, it did force me to think about Lost. Is it possible that Greggo could end up in such a situation? I think it might happen. I wouldn't be surprised if he shows up as one of the "Others". He could be Hurley's Bad Twin. I can see Greggo right now. Lounging on the beach while everyone else does work, dipping chocolate candy bars into his tub of ranch dressing....it seems like he would fit in well. He could probably also find a bigger banana on the island. I bet the Lost island has a grove full of huge banana trees...

"Set it. And forget it!"

I went tanning last night at a tanning salon. I thought going to a salon meant I was going to come out feeling pampered and beautiful. Not quite. For four full minutes I stood buck naked. It seemed like an eternity in the little hexagonal torture chamber. I was confessing my greatest sins to a myriad of intense bulbs...I used to use women for free rides and food...I used to trade stock on insider tips...I used to use drugs recreationally because it was fun...I had sex with a mormon girl (and she wasn't even hot)--just to piss her off!!

I basically felt like I was on a Ron Popeil infomercial. You know, the one with the rotisserie chicken cooker? Only I wasn't in the audience. The audience was watching me!! Watching as Ron stuck me into one of his little ovens. I think if I go tanning again, I'll be on Ron's Food Dehydrator infomercial.

It's a snowing men!!

I wish I were a snowman. That way, I could make my snowkids just how I'd like them, and if they ever disobey me, I can throw them at a car or house or real kid or something. And no one would even care. Or you could just take them and roll them down a hill and they'll suffocate. Just better hope they do, or they may end up bigger than you and come to get you.

Also, don't try to baptise a baby snowman.

You get yours, I'll get mime

I want to create a new international holiday. After all, International Talk Like A Pirate Day made it! How's about charades day? This would be great fun for everyone, except mimes. They would actually fit in, except for the white face, striped shirt and top hat. Maybe on international charades day, you have the right to beat up mimes. That's a great holiday, wouldn't you say? Lemme correct meself...wouldn't you (charade)?

Screw the Bul's

So the creator of this blog and myself have been working out each day since around New Years in an effort to be able to use our original banana board. It's been going alright, but it's still not a lot of fun. This morning we talked about our ideal weights, which apparently is below 300 pounds (whateva). Anyway, we came to the conclusion that we need to come up with a dorogatory term for non-fatties that is equally offensive as the words fatties hear each day. Here's a list of potential names: Scrawny twerps, pencilnecks, Conrad, buls (bulimics), meatheads, Lindseys (Lohan reference)....I'm open for more suggestions. Anyone?

Roach update

Apparently, our resident roaches are not yet sterilized. The engineer wasn't able to make it last week.

Also, I killed a baby roach that was on my desk today. Pretty sure it was the same one I spared last week. Still waiting for DNA results and Dr. Baden's forensic pathology report. But even so he got an extra few days in...which probably seems like an eternity to him.

True story.

No news is good news...

I'll give YOU some good news pal...

Yo Cop! You Late!

Try saying that next time you have an encounter with a policeperson I bet they'll think you're being a smartass by telling them they're late, but the joke is on them...Yo! Cop You Late!! See, they probably didn't think about it that way. And if they did, you might be in for a beatin'. But you'll probably still be laughing when they're beating you, which will anger them and cause them to keep beating you, possibly until you're brain dead or all dead.

Good luck!

Mussels & more muscles

Last week I went to a tapas restaurant for a going away dinner for a friend of mine who is going to Iraq (we are praying for you Andy). My girlfriend and I ordered steamed mussels. I don't remember ordering an order of reject steamed mussels, but that's apparently how the staff interpreted it. One of my mussels was actually attached to another mussel by a rubberband-like stringy thingy. I wasn't sure if they were conjoined mussels or were caught while in the act of "doing it." Either way I didn't consume them. But they consumed me, at least me brain for a while. To this day (6 days later) the anomaly still baffles me. I am hoping it wasn't siamese mussels--I almost took them home to put them on ebay!!

I also was served a baby mussel. I did take him home. He is in my freezer. I'm not sure why. He is cute. He hasn't grown much yet.

I have more muscles than I did last year, or at least bigger ones. Take that!!

mi cucaracha, mi amor

Today an insect engineer sprayed our building for roaches. It wasn't necessarily to kill live roaches, but to sterilize them and prevent future roaches. That's fine and all, but I just saw a baby roach on my desk just a little while ago and I thought to myself, "Little does he know he will never have kids. Imagine the emptiness he will be sure to feel in his life." [My happy pills prohibit me from shedding tears.]

Cool, little-known factoid: When roaches die they do headplants. Wouldn't it be cool if all humans died that way and not just the ones who jump and land head first?

our ding-dang sun

I wish the sun wasn't so bright. I don't mind the heat part of the sun, but the light part is overkill. It gives me a headache and makes me sneeze, two things I don't like very much. And it drains me too. Some claim the sun gives them energy and life. I disagree, except for the life part. And without the sunlight, I guess flowers would grow along the ground and get stepped on, but that's okay because they don't have brains. If they did, they wouldn't care if the sun is out or not; they would grow upwards regardless of what the sun does. Maybe they would. I guess we'll never know until the sun stops shining.

In my next life, I want to live on a planet that has a black sun--basically it would just be a giant heater.

Thank you.

Today the computer told me I have WOO.

Yo quiero Taco Bell

If you're ever in the mood for some good Mexican food, think of how you felt AFTER the last time you ate it. THEN decide if you prefer crunchy or soft shells.

Steeve

If you're ever playing Scrabble with a guy named Steve, play the word "Steeve." You'll be sure to get a challenge by him, and little does he know the jokes on him--it's a real word!! Sorry Steve, you just got Steeved and you lose a turn. Also, if you're playing with a guy named Greg, play "Grego." He won't challenge you though--he's smarter that Steve!

Little Green Space People

I think NASA has alien friends because I really doubt they can see past the moon, or mars, or maybe even pluto. Their alien friends collect stuff from things in space and give it to NASA. NASA then makes up a bunch of crap about it and everyone has to believe them because they're supposedly very intelligent. Really the aliens are, and they don't share anything with NASA except the stuff they bring to us. Thanks little green space people. Oh, and by the way, have you seen Superman?

The President

I think the President of the United States (POTUS) should don a presidential rocket pack. That way, they wouldn't have to close down city streets when he has a hair appointment or what not and uses his little motorcade. He could just strap on his little rocket and getter done. And it would probably be hard to get a good shot at him when he's flying around anyway. He wouldn't need the Secret Service glued to his rearside. Also, he would be like Superman, somewhat, except without all the super-strength and x-ray vision and that sort of thing. Basically, he could fly like Superman. But I think our current president would more likely be like The Greatest American Hero and crash a lot. He's pretty dumb.

Thank you.

Britney Spears rules!!!

I love Britney Spears, even if she is washed up. She is still one hot and sexy mama. I even have a sample of her perfume, "Curious," which I spray once or twice while listening to one of her many awesome songs. This gives me the illusion that she is right next to ME and singing to ME, her #10,000 fan. The real reason I'm writing about Britney Spears is that I hope if I write Britney Spears' name enough my blog will come up on a Britney Spears google search. We'll have to see if writing Britney Spears attracts readers. I also like Christina Aguilera, Kelly Clarkson, Ciara, Fergie, Barbra Streisand, Neil Diamond, Barry Manilow and, of course, Cher. Who are your favorite artists/singers?

When I told you I wanted to take a ride on your giant banana, this is NOT what I had in mind!

-Brian Mong '06This is me and my best friend (I'm the one in front). It was taken a while ago, so I am heftier now. I'd need me a bigger banana now. Mmmmm mmmmmm good. Bananas feel so good in your mouth. They slide right down your throat--they have that natural gooey lubricant!

Cows

Update...this just in...they were taken to a slaughter house and sawed into pieces. He still cannot sleep, lest he be next.

Till the cows come home

Some of my friend's cows escaped last night and he vowed to not sleep till the cows come home. True story.